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I’ve found that women who play team sports have better skills to compete in a male dominated business world.   In our society, competition is viewed as more of a dirty word for women than men.  Whereas men can have a knock-down, drag-out battle and walk away friends,  women are supposed to value the relationship as much as the outcome and are taught not to rock the social boat. Sports helps women learn they can compete and still be friends.

Being good at a competitive game requires the skill to quickly assess a situation and go for the score without apologizing - directness is a requirement.  And to be direct, women must have confidence in themselves.  Yet in a recent study, when asked why a group of first-year law students were having trouble in school, women’s responses tended toward “we’re not smart enough”, while the male students tended to respond “the curriculum is too hard”. This highlights women’s tendency to blame ourselves for not being good enough, whereas the men blamed their environment - they believed in themselves first. You can’t compete if you’re not confident, and confidence is a prerequisite skill for a successful business person.  Competitive sports helps prepare women how to think more like their male colleagues. Consider this personal story:

When my daughter started playing soccer, she was more interested in the social aspect of the game.  She would stop in the middle of a play to hug an opposing teammate she recognized.  An especially accomplished boy on the opposing team scored three goals within minutes against her as our goalie.  She was crushed.  Blinking away tears as she came off the field, she was embarrassed.  She said she wasn’t going to play anymore.  I told her “It’s not what happens to you, but how you respond to it”. She said, “But I’m not a good responder.”  I explained that everybody makes mistakes. The true test of character is to pick yourself up, focus on doing better, and improving your skills.  She went back into the game with gumption.  She guarded the boy who scored on her closely, bumping and pushing with a “you won’t get the best of me” attitude. One of the dads said “She’s a bruiser”.  I was so proud. She stood up for herself and bounced back.  At that moment, she became part of the team.  It took getting mad to move her from seeing soccer as a social sport to viewing it as a competitive sport. A shift in attitude can lead to a shift in results.  This was her first step towards preparing for the aggressive world.

Women are natural team leaders

The successful women in business have acquired the ability to be competitive as a tool in their leadership toolkit.  Every woman can succeed with their own personal brand of being competitive. In fact, once we get over the societal negativity around women and competition, we are wired to be better competitors in the following ways: 

1.    Women collaborate to a better end-goal; the “1 + 1 = 3” rule where two heads are better than one.

2.    Women prioritize well.  Have you ever watched a working mother when they first get home from work? They strategize on the fly like the army general: scan the house, check the state of the children, and plan quickly what needs to get done first, second, third. And she’s able to take new information or change in stride.  Oh, you need a bag lunch for the field trip today? Let’s stop by the grocery on the way to school and pick up your favorite Lunchable.

3.    Their ego factors less into their decisions. Conflicts generally do not turn into a pissing contest for women. It’s not can I be the better CEO, but how can we be the better executive team? These inherent female attributes lead women to make sure the best idea wins, instead of MY idea wins.   

Tips for improving your competitive response

Having the natural gender attributes necessary to be competitive pays off in business success only if women treat acquiring the skill just like they would any other mandatory business skill.  There are 6 tips to becoming more competitive:

1.    Pick your battles and use masculine energy wisely and sparingly.  Be comfortable being in both the masculine and feminine worlds, borrowing from both to be successful.  For example, as a development director in a previous job, I had a male product manager who was a yeller and got what he wanted by intimidation.  Reacting in a collaborative way was not working, so frustration pushed me to try to mirror his technique back to him.  I was willing to live with the potential negative consequences.  He never yelled at me again. I would have likely continued to suffer his exhausting behavior if I hadn’t had the courage to give it back to him.  Understand what it’s costing you not to be able to go to the competitive place.

2.    Figure out your competitive style and make sure it matches your values and personality.  Are you quietly assertive?  Or do you have the personality that can get away with responding to a tough situation with an “I’m going to kick some ass so bring it on” attitude?  Being someone you’re not will not serve you. You’ll never be as successful as you could without bringing your own approach to being competitive.

3.    Learn to swear.  A strategically placed four letter word can be used to show you mean business with the right audience.  It’s all about reading your audience. My dad rarely cursed and when he did, you took notice. But he didn’t cuss at church. That’s reading your audience. If this technique doesn’t fit with your values or style, don’t use it.  But figure out another way to let others know you’re taking the game to the next level.  Words of choice and tone of voice are also a great method for commanding attention and respect. Be aggressive.  You mean business!

4.    Practice.  Just like Michael Jordan was known to work harder in practice than in a game situation to develop his amazing basketball talent, you will not be a natural competitor until you put yourself in competitive situations. I won’t kid you, you’ll have to put yourself in harm’s way to do this.  But the payoff is amazing.  As the softball coach of fifteen 7-9 year old girls, I throw the ball in the middle of the infield and get them to go after it.  They practice aggressively fighting for the ball.  Practice being direct.  Stop using words like, sort of and kind of.  If you know you can do an assignment, tell your boss you want it and why. 

5.  Play paintball to get the competitive juices flowing. Your heart is racing not only because it hurts like the dickens to get hit, but it rocks to be the last guy standing.  There are psychological and physical benefits to winning in paintball. 

6.  Drive a stick-shift car - Feel the Power.  It’s a pretty ballsy experience. Something about revving the engine and being in charge of how quickly you accelerate. Winning feels powerful and being competitive increases your chances of winning.

Your leadership toolkit is only as good as the variety of tools in it. Likewise, you must expand your communication repertoire for different situations. This is not about women being more like men - We as women have “been there, done that.” What I’m suggesting is that today, women tend to be so intent on not acting like men that we limit ourselves by taking aggression out of our toolbox.  It’s a matter of practicing our competitive style. Also help girls get involved in athletics to build their competitive muscle.  Business women win on the field by embracing their competitive spirit.

Wendy P. Bohling has 23 years in the telecommunications and high tech industries, the first 20 years with AT&T Bell Laboratories, Lucent and Avaya research and development. As a development director, Wendy drove Avaya’s most impressive IP telephony convergence leap with delivery of the first IP telephony integrated solution.  Since 2004, she has worked as partner and Sales and Marketing VP at Magpie, a software development company in Denver, Colorado. She has been married to an engineer for 21 years and has 2 children. She is an author, freelance journalist and a keynote speaker.

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